Ever been in a tight spot and later wished you’d come up with a snappy retort? Well, read and learn: Here are some of the best ever. Match the comeback quotes below with the corresponding context in which they occurred. Maybe you’ll win valuable prizes – or maybe not. But either way, prepare yourself for next time you’re in a tight spot. After all, practice makes perfect.
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- “I’ve been called worse things by better men.”
- “I think it would be a good idea.”
- “No, it’s purely voluntary.”
- “Every time I read Pride and Prejudice I want to dig her up and beat her over the skull with her own shin-bone.”
- “I’m too [effing] busy….and vice versa.”
- “About half.”
- “That will depend, my lord, on whether I embrace your principles or your mistress.”
- “I don’t know if I can autograph it, but perhaps I can initial it.”
- “That’s got every fire hydrant in America worried.”
- “Darling, I’m so glad that you liked it. Who read it to you?”
- “I’m all for it.”
- “Each of us fights for what he lacks most.”
- “Impossible to come first night. Will come to 2nd night if you have one.”
- “I’ll take a drug test if you’ll take an IQ test.”
- “No, I look at the Senate and pray for the country.”
- “That’s wonderful. And what did you do with the money?”
- “All right then, get me a battleship.”
- “Then you have a great deal to be thankful for.”
- “Did the training wheels fall off?”
- “If he became convinced Tuesday that coming out for cannibalism would get him the votes he needs, he’d begin fattening a missionary in the White House yard on Wednesday.”
Below is context for each of the comeback quotes above.
- Pierre Trudeau when told Dick Nixon had called him “an a**hole.”
- Mahatma Gandhi when asked what he thought of Western Civilization.
- Winston Churchill when asked by a rival member of Parliment “Must you always fall asleep while I’m speaking?”
- Mark Twain when asked to critique a Jane Austen novel.
- Dorothy Parker arriving late to meet with her editor after her honeymoon.
- Pope John XXIII when asked how many people work at the Vatican.
- Englishman John Wilkes in response to a rival who said “Sir, I do not know whether you will die on the gallows or of the pox.”
- Truman Capote in response to a papparazzo who whipped out his privates and asked “Why don’t you autograph this?”
- Bill Clinton upon hearing Dan Quayle’s boast during the 1992 debates that he’d “be a pit bull against our opponents.”
- Author Ilka Chase in response to a literary critic who said “I enjoyed reading your book. Who wrote it for you?”
- Calvin Coolidge’s response to a reporter who asked after an opera performance what he thought of the singer’s ‘execution.’
- French privateer Robert Surcouf replying to an Englishman’s taunt that “You fight for money while we fight for honor.”
- Winston Churchill’s reply to an invitation from George Bernard Shaw to see a play: “Come and bring a friend if you have one.”
- Senator Fritz Hollings responding to a fellow-Senator’s challenge to be drug tested.
- Clergyman Edward Everett Hale’s response when asked if he prayed for the Senate.
- Actress Miriam Hopkins’ response to a singer’s brag that her voice was insured for $50k.
- Robert Benchley asking for a taxi, but mistaking an admiral for a bellman in his apartment building lobby.
- SCOTUS justice Melville Fuller responding to a tirade against education by a clergyman, this after the man admitted he was “thanking God for his ignorance.”
- John Kerry after being told that Dubya had suffered a bike accident during the 2004 presidential campaign.
- Notorious FDR critic H.L. Mencken during one of POTUS 32’s many re-election bids.
“I’m too [effing] busy….and vice versa.”
That’s got every fire hydrant in America worried.”