Chair

Today I attended the seating of the 8th Episcopal bishop of the diocese of Northern California at Trinity Cathedral in Sacramento. And in that one sentence there are at least four ecclesiastical terms worthy of unpacking in a Word of the Day.  But under the rubric of “Less is More,” I’m choosing just one, a word that means “chair.”  Also going forward we’re unearthing even more turgid terminology (witness: “rubric,” also “turgid”).  So in order that we get out of here before there’s a riot of linguists, let’s get down to business, shall we?

 

Megan sits in Bishop's Chair
Everyone gets a souvenir.

 

I say “seating” because today was the day Megan Traquair first got to sit in her “cathedra” – from the Latin for “chair” – at Trinity. Yesterday she was “consecrated” – from the Latin for “made holy or set apart for special purpose” – but that was over at the Mondavi Center at UC Davis.  Why? Probably because there’s more seating over in Davis, though no special Bishop’s chair.  Also, maybe because the Mondavi family made their fortune making wine, and communion wine gets consecrated before it gets drunk.  But let’s try to stay on track and focus here.  OK?

 

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First thing that happens in the liturgy for the seating of a new Bishop is this:  After the choirs and all the dignitaries process forward – without the Bishop-elect among them, please note – the Dean and the verger go back down the aisle to the back of the church where the doors are closed and locked. Why this happens will become clear in a moment.

A word about the verger:  He’s the guy who leads all church processions. He carries a club that in the olden days was used to beat unruly congregants who might spill into the aisles, thus blocking the procession. Apparently in the olden days this was a real problem. I say that because his club makes it abundantly clear he means business. Think of the verger as the hired muscle a mob boss might send around to collect on overdue debts and you won’t go far wrong.  Capische?

Anyway, it’s a dramatic moment when the Bishop-elect stands outside the locked doors and knocks LOUD three times:  Boom-Boom-Boom.  The verger opens up and lets him-or-her inside.  Up the aisle they go. The Dean – who is the main guy at the Cathedral when the Bishop isn’t in town – welcomes the new Bishop and invites him-or-her to sit in the cathedral chair reserved up front. The Bishop sits.  The choir sings.  The liturgy winds along to its appointed end. And voila, the diocese has ‘seated” a new Bishop.  Peachy, eh?

 

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A word about ecclesiastical rough-and-tumble in the not-so-olden days may be in order here.  Bishop’s elections are a bit more gentlemanly (or ladylike) than American political elections of late, but only marginally so.  I remember the first time a new Bishop came to my church in Colorado 15 years ago after an election that had been hotly contested.  The candidate backed by our  Rector had not won. Instead, the guy who did win came smiling down the aisle.  And the guy sitting right behind me jumped up and hissed at him, “You SINNER! Shame on you!”  I swear, the spittle flew five feet.  The verger had already gone past so there was no opportunity for him to beat the venomous prophet about the head.  But you could see the smile freeze on the new Bishop’s face.  It was a tense moment.  And not without lasting consequence.

Long story short, serious bad blood simmered along in the Episcopal church for many years.  Our Rector eventually was subjected to a forensic audit by the eventually-not-so-new-Bishop, and found to be culpable.  To the tune of about half a million dollars in misappropriated funds. He was defrocked, exiled to the oversight of some African Bishops, lost his pension, pleaded Nolo Contendre in civil court, ended up with at least one felony charge to his name, and was forced to pay reparations. And the losing candidate in that election? He and his family moved to Canada.  Where he remains to this day.  I kid you not.  These guys don’t fool around.

The point of this story has less to do with internecine infighting than it does with the nature of hierarchical institutions. That ugly club is not only historical, and it’s not only wielded ceremonially.  Everyone would do well to keep that in mind.  Not just clergy, but lay-folk too.  And most especially?  That unruly guy on the end, spilling out into the path of the oncoming verger.  Word to the wise.

 

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Later this week when the rest of America celebrates the birth of a nation with fireworks and hot dogs, the Episcopal church celebrates its own birthday in splitting off from the Church of England.  Of course, buried in the mists of history, it’s hard to imagine the immediacy of those former times. But the potential consequence was not lost on that old Deist, Ben Franklin.  He is reputed to have said to his compatriots:  “Gentlemen, we must all hang together – or most assuredly, we shall all hang separately.”

 

No chair, just a flag, waving in the breeze.

Long may freedom ring:   Happy Birthday, USA!

And congrats, Bishop Megan:  Enjoy sitting in that chair!

Oh, and also?

Remember the verger.  He’s got a hefty club.

And it looks to me like he left his smile at home.

Word to the wise.

Capische?

 

Craziness

There are so many deserving choices for This Day in History stories today.  It’s hard to just choose one. There’s the 1997 release of the USAF report on the Roswell UFO sightings.  This came only 50 years after the original incident.  Hey, talk about a swift retort!  Or, there’s the 1993 Yale mail-bombing of a computer science professor.  That craziness turned out to be the work of Ted Kaczyniski, later known as the UNABOMBER.

 

But instead…

 

The one I’m choosing is the 2005 Tom Cruise interview on the Today show:  NOT because I think Tom Cruise is a jerk, though he is. And NOT because I think Scientology is a crock, though it is.  And not EVEN because I care a whit about Brooke Shields, who Cruise criticized on-air for her use of anti-depressants to treat post-partum depression.  This prompted fierce push back from host Matt Lauer against his tiny misguided guest.  Here is how History.com sets the scene:

 

When Lauer asked Cruise about his criticism of Shields, the exchange got heated. Cruise’s demeanor became visibly more serious and combative. As a leading member of the Church of Scientology, Cruise is against the use of anti-depressant drugs or psychiatric therapy of any kind. “I really care about Brooke Shields. But there’s misinformation.  She doesn’t understand the history of psychiatry.  Psychiatry is a pseudoscience.”

After chastising Lauer for being “glib” and not knowing enough about the topic, Cruise mentioned his research into the use of the prescription drug Ritalin.  This drug is notably used to treat hyperactive children. When Lauer mentioned that he knew people for whom prescription drugs had worked, Cruise accused him of “advocating” Ritalin.  To which Lauer got visibly frustrated and said “You’re telling me that your experiences with the people I know, which are zero, are more important than my experience.  And I’m telling you, I’ve lived with these people, and they’re better.”

Preach it, brother Matt!

 

I dunno, call me crazy, but there’s something I find supremely endearing about steely-cool Cruise flipping his wig on camera.  And there’s no shortage of celebrities subscribing to, and publicly promoting, all sorts of craziness, since – well, since forever.  Hell, there are even still a few lunatic anti-vaxxers roaming loose out there:  Are you listening, Jessica Biel?

 

Stop the craziness, Jessica Biel!
O.M.G….  Vaccinate your kids, folks!

 

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No, the real reason I chose this story has nothing to do with unnecessary prescriptions for psychotropic medications, or the self-immolation of self-involved celebrities run amok.  Instead,  it’s an introduction to today’s Word of the Day … <wait for it> …  “Chernobyled!”  Truth to tell, this isn’t really a word at all.  But some episodes of craziness are just too perfect to pass up.  Well, this is one of them.  As History.com explains:

 

Lauer’s interview marked the latest in what the Washington Post called at the time “a series of manic moments in public, in which the screen idol appeared to be losing his chiseled, steely reserve.” Another of these moments had occurred earlier that month on Oprah Winfrey’s talk show.  That’s where Cruise jumped up and down on a couch professing his love for Holmes. During the Today interview, Holmes sat in the wings watching “adoringly” as her fiance “Chernobyled” (again in the words of the Washington Post).

Some blamed Cruise’s run of out-of-control public outbursts on the actor’s split with longtime publicist, Pat Kingsley, in the spring of 2004 and his decision to entrust his sister, Lee Ann DeVette, with all his publicity. In November 2005, after the worst run of publicity in his career, Cruise replaced DeVette with another veteran publicist, Paul Bloch.

 

To me, firing your publicist after blowing your stack on national TV sounds a bit like closing the barn door after your horse is already a good long ways down the road… but I digress.

 

Cruise and McGillis
Hey, we’ll always have Top Gun:  Chiseled and steely-cool.

Devil

The New Yorker runs a regular humor feature called “Shouts & Murmurs.”  It specializes in irony, which makes it right up my alley. The latest installment is titled “The Devil Critiques Expressions That Mention Him,” and it is exactly as advertised.  But I have a few critiques of the critique.  Here they are.

Right off the bat, they get the first expression all wrong.  It’s not “Idle hands are the devil’s workshop.” It should be “Idle hands are the devil’s plaything.”  Don’t get me wrong, I’m all for poetic license, especially when it comes to the Lord of Darkness. But don’t these folks know the difference between work and play? I mean, clearly the devil’s a player, but he’s no worker bee – and definitely not a drone.

Then, there are the ones they missed altogether.  Where’s “The devil you say?”  How about “I had a devil of a good time!”  “Better the devil you know than the devil you don’t” – that’s gotta be in there somewhere, right? Is “Devil’s Island” not even worthy of a casual mention? Or, “The devil wears Prada.”  What, you think Satan’s not extremely fashion conscious? Well think again!

Then of course, there’s “devil’s food cake,” and the related “devilishly delicious.”  I won’t even mention “deviled eggs” because I’m not crazy about them, but you get the picture.  I just think they didn’t think this all the way through.  Then again, maybe I’m playing “devil’s advocate?”

 

Devil in a Blue Dress
If the she’s wearing Prada, it’s gotta be a blue dress.

Tweet

Some days, one simple tweet is enough. Today is one of those days.

 

Tweet from Aaron Paul Sullivan

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Enjoy your sparkling Saturday-after-solstice, folks.

Jump!

Go jump in the lake!  Lake Tahoe, that is.

 

Jump! Lake Tahoe fun in the sun.
The waters of Lake Tahoe are always very deep.  This time of year, they’re also very cold. That didn’t deter these girls from their jump – ah, youth!

 

Spent yesterday at Tahoe with some of my favorite Hawkeyes.

Mostly at Emerald Bay and Eagle Falls…

 

Emerald Bay - No Marie, don't jump! No Marie, don't jump!

 

As an added bonus, when we toured the Baldwin Museum at the Tallac Historic Site, there was a 13-minute video narrated by than none other than our old GSS pal, Ellie Hinkle.  Small world!  And as if that weren’t enough, there was also this old-time fire truck with a working calliope mounted on the back….

 

 

My daughter Kate was obsessed with Dextra Baldwin, the silver-baron heiress and quintessential Roaring Twenties flapper with the super cool lakeside cottage plus 5 marriages and 5 divorces to her credit.  In the interim, I suppose, Dextra had a whole boatload of fun on the lake and on horseback.  But I told Kate that, barring a Powerball win, the chances of her inheriting $50 million from me – like Dextra did from her dad – are somewhere in the vicinity of Absolute Zero.  So, maybe best to start looking for a new hero?  She, of course, was undeterred.  Ah, youth!

 

Dextra Baldwin wannabe. Hawk fan and blood donor.

 

NOT Dextra Baldwin and NOT a silver baron.

Go Hawks anyway!

Bone

Congrats to my son Ben on his newly acquired Getzen 3062.  For those of you not in the know when it comes to low brass, that’s a top-of-the-line bass trombone.  Or as the players themselves refer to the instrument,  just a “bone.”  And for those of you not in the know about Ben, in addition to being an engineer at Acoustics By Design (ABD) in Portland – and my part-time webmaster – he’s also a pretty fair musician.

 

Ben's new bass Bone.
New bone’s on stage… just waiting to be played.

 

Ben only had to have his old one stolen out of the back of his vehicle in the parking garage while he was at work downtown before he finally bit the bullet and bought a new ‘bone.  With all that broken glass and a B&E, it all started out as a huge hassle, but it ended up as a win-win.  Thank the good Lord for insurance, eh?

Though the new one’s mighty fine, here is Ben in a one of his cooler moments a few years back, soloing on the old one at a gig with the now-defunct (but ever funky) Soundstage Rhythm Orchestra (SRO).

 

Bone, Ben, and SRO.
Ben playing it cool with wrap-around shades.

 

“Trombone Shorty” he ain’t!

Forest Bathing

What’s forest bathing and why are so many people in Colorado doing it?

I saw this headline in the DP recently and immediately I was hooked.  Silly me, hoping for a story about illicit skinny dipping in an abandoned rock quarry.  Or at least maybe extreme back country mountaineering in the buff?  But no such luck:  All “forest bathing” involves is walking mindfully under trees.  That’s it.  No water involved.  Nothing even remotely naked about it.  And you don’t have to work up a sweat first.  What a ripoff!

Full disclosure:  Lord knows, I’m not averse to a little marketing embellishment here and there. I even have a blog category called “Roxhikes” because I live in a place called Roxborough that’s got a lot of cool rocks where it’s fun to hike. OK, so I took the liberty of transforming rocks to Rox.  But I didn’t call it “Galloping Through the Back Country in Search of Lady Godiva’s Ghost.” Because, well, that would be misleading.  In addition to having a faintly prurient air, wholly unjustified by the facts. You know, kind of like “forest bathing?”

 

The Roxborough rocks, sans Lady Godiva.

So anyway, as the DP article explains…

 

Forest bathing, despite how it sounds, isn’t about showering in the rain or taking a dip in a lake after a night of camping. Rather, the term stems from the Japanese concept of shinrin-yoku, which means “to bring in the forest.”

 

It goes on to explain how the concept got transplanted – like kudzu – to this country.  Specifically to tony New Age bastions like San Francisco and Boulder.  And then it throws in the obligatory pseudo-scientific tie-ins with the burgeoning therapy-craze-industrial-complex (a term I made up just now).  Again, I’m not averse to a little health-conscious PR every once in a while.  See, for instance, a recent post I did on 10,000 steps. Hey, exercise is a good thing.  And communing with nature is fine if you’ve got the time and the inclination.  But frankly, I’m sorry, if you’ve got that kind of time on your hands and the funds at your disposal, why not just go golfing?  <And we already know my thoughts about that particular American pastime.  Ahem.>

 

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Back 30 years ago when we lived in Northern California we used to go on these free group walks called “Volksmarch.” I’m guessing it was started by some escaped Nazi who thought he might atone for his sins by getting the Americans out of their Barcaloungers and into some fresh air and sunshine. These were low-key family affairs designed for trail or town walking with other like-minded souls, including kids. There was only a slight Germanic overtone of military precision to the whole affair.  I mean, despite the name, nobody actually marched, OK? Though some of the volk did wear funny hats…

 

No Forest Bathing - just bad hats!
Bad Hats R Us.

 

There’s a Denver-based group called Walk2Connect that also promotes healthy lifestyles with a flavor of social interaction in free walks all over town. Their byline is #Life@3MPH.  The “leaders” are generally people who know something about the route and don’t mind talking to strangers. There are a few specialty sub-groups, like the downtown one for business people on weekdays at lunch time, and another for recently released youthful offenders that’s lead by an off-duty prison guard. But by and large, the participants are just regular folks who like low impact exercise under a wide open sky.  That is, people like me.

 

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The thing that gets my goat about “forest bathing” is that, after you cut through all the supposed “health benefits” and all the trendy borrowed multicultural feng shui, what you’re left with is… well,  just a relatively crude marketing ploy. That’s right, starting at only $25 per person, you too can experience what our ancestors did every single time they walked out the front door of their cabin, or cave, or whatever.  And furthermore, you’ll live longer and have a brighter, whiter, sexier smile to boot. Oh, and also?  It’ll lower your cholesterol, help you sleep better, and cure gum disease. And, to top it all off, it’ll help you make better stock picks…  OK, just kidding about the stock picks.  But everything else? Gospel.

I guess for me, if you’re gonna charge $25 for a walk, it might as well come with a golf cart and a dress code. Not that there’s anything wrong with that of course. As my grandma used to say, “It takes all kinds to make a world.”  One thing though: Please don’t call it “bathing” when there’s no water involved. That kind of linguistic imprecision I really can’t abide – marketing  ploy or no marketing ploy.  Capische?  Good.  Now, let’s all go for a leisurely stroll, shall we?  Preferably a free one….

Skulking

I was skulking around the mystery/thriller/crime section of my local public library the other day.  I had a couple of good reasons for doing so.  One, I’m too cheap to buy books I can borrow. Two, I like detective fiction, the more noir the better.  And three? The other novels I was hoping to find all had holds on them:  I was like #43 on the waiting list for Michael Connelly and Robert Crais.  So, I picked up an Elmore Leonard – a first for me – and was glad I did.

The one I ended up taking home was titled “Mr. Paradise.”  The cover had a pretty blue background with nice gold lettering.  Those shades of navy and maize are, in fact, school colors for the University of Michigan.  And it turns out this fact figures prominently in the book’s plot, as does the topless cheerleader holding pom poms over her naughty bits on the book’s lurid cover.  Hey, no one ever claimed the guy was Hemingway or Tolstoy.  But more about all that later.

 

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Elmore “Dutch” Leonard lived most of his life in the Wolverine State.  After serving in the Pacific during WW2, he went to the University of Detroit and majored in English and Philosophy.  Upon graduation he became an advertising copy writer for Chevy.  He only wrote fiction in his spare time, early in the morning before his first cup of coffee.  After becoming famous, when asked why he didn’t move to LA (his stories such as “Get Shorty” and “3:10 To Yuma” were often adapted into movies) he answered, “Why would I want to live there? Everything I need is here.” Gotta love a man who sticks with his roots.  No need to go skulking around the Hollywood Bowl with all those other would-be screen-writers…

Influenced by Hemingway’s spare prose, but finding his idol a bit too humorless for his own tastes, Leonard started off writing quirky westerns.  Later he turned to crime fiction which became his bread and butter, adding his own signature darkly comic twist to the genre.  Over the course of a career in which he produced 45 novels, Leonard won numerous awards including the Edgar for best mystery in 1984.  Near the end of his run as one of America’s most popular thriller writers, he was dubbed “The Dickens of Detroit” by Time magazine.  In response he said, “What would they call me if I lived in Boston or Chicago?” Living in the Detroit suburb of Bloomfield Hills, hard at work on his last novel in 2013, he collapsed near his writing desk and – no mystery – he was dead of a stroke at age 87.

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10 Rules For Writing” by Elmore Leonard

 

        1.  Never open a book with weather.

        2.  Avoid prologues.

        3.  Never use a verb other than “said” to carry dialogue.

        4.  Never use an adverb to modify the verb “said” . . . he  admonished gravely.

        5.  Keep your exclamation points under control. You are allowed no more than two or three per 100,000 words of prose.

        6.  Never use the words “suddenly” or “all hell broke loose.”

        7.  Use regional dialect, patois, sparingly.

        8.  Avoid detailed descriptions of characters.

        9.  Don’t go into great detail describing places and things.

        10.  Try to leave out the part that readers tend to skip.

           

          My most important rule is one that sums up the ten:          If it sounds like writing, I rewrite it.

Get Shorty - No need for skulking!
Russo/Travolta/Hackman/DeVito: “Crime comedy at it’s finest.”

 

Revisited

Recently revisited the seashore at Point Reyes during a record-breaking NorCal heat wave.  That prompted me to revisit this post from last September, about Sir Francis Drake. (Yeah, I know – some stories never grow old – right?) As it so happens, it was exactly 440 years ago today that Drake claimed the ground previously belonging to the Miwok people for Merry Olde England, renaming it “New Albion.” And it was just a few years later that a grateful QE1 knighted our intrepid explorer for his avaricious exploits.  Oh, and also?  I guess paying off the entire British national debt with half his accumulated plunder didn’t hurt either.  You can read all about it from This Day in History, here.  Bonus queenly pictorial content is revisited below.  Yer welcome.

 

History Revisited: The knighthood of Sir Francis Drake
QE1 knights Sir Francis Drake, pockets half his plunder.

 

A different queen on Limantour Beach just south of Drake’s Bay, on one of the hottest June days in decades around here (102°F).