Month: March 2020

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Subpar Parks – A Snarky Love Letter

This is hilarious. Designer Amber Share discovered that there were one-star reviews for all 62 of our National Parks. So she decided to illustrate and hand letter travel posters for them “as a way to put a positive spin on such a negative mindset.” She calls her Subpar Parks series “a snarky love letter to the National Parks System.”  It’s absolutely delightful. See the entire series on Instagram.  A few samples are below. It’s well worth the price of admission – which in this case is free.

 

Subpar Parks

For the record: Joshua Tree, Sequoia, and Death Valley.

 

And below, Saguaro.

“It’s OK… if you like cactus.”

 

How many “Subpar Parks” have you visited?

 

Me:  Alas, only somewhere between 16 and 20. Why don’t you know exactly, I hear you ask? Well, for instance, the above photo of a saguaro cactus was taken in the Superstition Wilderness which is actually nearer Phoenix than Tuscon where the National Park is located.

Or how about this? I’m pretty sure my parents took me to “the Everglades” when I was little. But was it actually inside the park?

Or this: I might have been to Mammoth Cave in Kentucky one time. Or was it just Luray Caverns in Virginia? Not 100% sure.

Redwoods vs Sequoia:  Both?  Neither? Hell-if-I-know.

We’ve definitely been to Joshua Tree. But nearby Death Valley? Probably, but not certain. More to the point: In all that desert – how would you even know?

Does Catalina count as one of the Channel Islands? If so, then yep.  Otherwise, not.

We’ve been through the Badlands many times. But did we ever stop to set foot on National Park soil there?  Who knows? And more important:  If we didn’t, who’s gonna rat us out?

 

Anyway, you get the picture.

 

My grandparents, Esther and Howard, clearly enjoying their visit to Yosemite in ’58.  Even though, TBH, trees do tend to block the view.
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Carmageddon 2.0

I don’t really care in the least about this story from Fox News, even though it’s about the impending end of the world as we know it. Not because it’s typical Fox News hyperbole. And not because I don’t care about the end of human existence on earth. And not because I only drive this particular stretch of I-5 when I’m headed to Burbank Airport to pick somebody up. <I actually walk to work, most days.>  But just because… well, it’s happened before.  And guess what? There wasn’t any problem at all, because most sane people stayed off the freeways when they shut down the 405 in both directions back in 2012. Imagine that. So, Carmageddon 2.0? No problem!

 

Carmageddon 2.0
Those who know the area will recognize this as the 405 in West LA, not I-5 in Burbank.

 

For the record, come the end of April, I-5 in Burbank will be closed in both directions for some bridge work.  People will have to find their way around the shutdown either by taking surface streets, or – better yet – staying home. You been warned. But in the meantime, I just really love hearing that word. C’mon, say it with me, people:  “Car-ma-ged-don, CAR-MA-GED-DON, CARMAGEDDON 2.0!!!!!

 

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Boy, that sure felt good.

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404 Not Found

One of the big strengths of The New Yorker is its wealth of humorous content. Recently while browsing their website, I was trying to access some old story that didn’t exist anymore. Then I got the following in place of the usual 404 Not Found error.

 

404-NotFound

 

I think if The New Yorker ever gets hard up for revenue, they could simply license their cartoon content to other companies for use in error messages.  Let’s be honest.  IT departments everywhere are starved for humor. Wouldn’t you rather have this cartoon show up instead of The Blue Screen of Death with a 404 Not Found message in the top left corner? Or Google’s lame attempt at jocularity below?

 

Google's 404 Not Found attempt at humor
I mean, c’mon.  Really, Google? REALLY?

 

What the world needs now may well be “love, sweet love.”

But for my money? I’ll settle for a few more cartoons.

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Go Land Crabs

Quick, before the next new internet meme comes along and washes everything away… According to the NY Times, Mike Bloomberg’s 2020 campaign ended just a few minutes ago. He spent half a billion dollars. But won only the primary in American Samoa.  Go Land Crabs!

 

Go Land Crabs!Go Land Crabs - Jimmy and Kim of Better Call SaulGo Land Crabs - Mike wins American Samoa

 

There’s an interesting take, here at NBCnews.com, on the Bloomberg campaign’s cringe-worthy attempts to generate Internet buzz. I guess the Beatles were right:  Money can’t buy you love.

 

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There’s also an interesting essay on Internet culture by the New Yorker’s Jia Tolentino in her new book, Trick Mirror. The essay is titled “The ‘I’ in the Internet.” Don’t blink. The shelf life on these things is very, very short.

 

 

For what it’s worth, Jia is Canadian by birth and Filipino by descent.

The Philippines. That’s close to American Samoa, right?

Jia is wicked funny.  Also super insightful.  For instance:

I was surprised to hear from her that the “blog era” ended in 2012.

Somebody forgot to tell Mike Bloomberg I guess.

Ah well, we’ll always have American Samoa.

Go Land Crabs!

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Coronavirus

The other day I was having a casual conversation with my cousin about Coronavirus and the recent stock market plunge. He said, and I quote: “Have no fear, this over-hyped flu bug will pass and stocks will be back up in time for summer vacation.” Now as much as I enjoy putting my feet up and kicking back with a beer on summer break…

 

The Coronavirus is not the Coronabeer.
The Corona Effect: It’s all about the beer, not about the virus.

 

…I said in reply that what goes up must come down, and vice versa. So, whatever the disturbance in the short term, “timing the market” is always a bad idea. I mean, who saw Coronavirus coming? Not me. Furthermore, over the long haul, the really smart money goes into real estate – as savvy investors all the way from DJT on down have repeatedly shown.

 

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So, when this article appeared in the Atlantic last week, I couldn’t help but send it along to my cousin, as a little dig at his Dow Jones certitude. Basically, says the author:

 

“No one knows exactly how much damage the Coronavirus will do to the global economy. But investors have to guess…. What I would say history shows is that a problem like this takes many months and maybe even a couple of years to play itself out. But, Wall Street’s idea of history is the last 10 minutes.”

 

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Then, from my son in Oregon, came a cancellation notice for the upcoming Lake Oswego Millennium Concert Band event, along with a comment:

The Corona Effect - LOCMB concert cancelled March 1, 2020 Concert

LOMCB Concert Canceled
 

“It appears we have been (indirectly) affected by the Coronavirus here.  Although apparently there’s a silver lining: As stock markets take a hit, interest rates are dropping. So, this is a good time to be getting a mortgage.”

 

To which I can only reply:  “When they start canceling band concerts, the wolf is at the door.”  But hey, at least somebody is taking my advice about real estate seriously. With every cloud a silver lining, indeed.

 

Bottom line: No need to buy a mask.

 

Just wash your hands and sneeze into your elbow.

And invest where ever you’re most comfortable.

Oh, and also: What goes down, must come up.

But as for real estate investments?

Everybody’s gotta live somewhere.

And that’s an actual fact.

 

 

Postscript:

 

Market’s back up 5% after being down 10%.

And mortgage rates are at historic lows. Just sayin’.

 

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Mambacita

Just by chance I wore my dark blue and white UCONN t-shirt today.  My wife got it for me years ago at a conference in Storrs.  It was a natural fit, given how much I respect the women’s basketball program there.  Then in Bleacher Report I came across this article, titled “The Legacy of Mambacita.” And it hit me: There’s a girl who will never play a game for the Huskies, though she might have.

 

Seven Miles From Here - Go Huskies!
Lookit that smile:  Go Huskies!

 

I won’t bore you with any added hype or melodrama:  For that, there’s Bleacher Report. But I will share – without shame or further comment – these few shots documenting a father’s love, a daughter’s devotion, and their mutual respect for the game.

 

Kobe and Mambacita Little Mambacita Kobi Gigi - Seven Miles From Here

RIP, Gigi and Kobe.

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Happy Leap Day

Today, the 29th of February, comes but once every four years: Happy Leap Day!  But a WOTD? Well, those come thick and fast. Today’s word is “Portmanteau” – with the pretentious plural, “Portmanteaux.” In either case, I prefer the 6 fewer letters of “blend,” which means the same thing – and it comes with the added benefit that it doesn’t sound like a Frenchman with a pencil-thin mustache trying too hard to impress us.

The one big advantage to the fancier version of this WOTD is that it comes from no less an authority than Lewis Carroll, author of “Through the Looking Glass” and “Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland.” Before Humpty Dumpty cracks his noggin in the first of these two books, he explains to Alice that a “portmanteau” – often used to refer to a large suitcase, especially one with two main compartments – is a word that combines two other words in a new and often fanciful way. Consider: “Brunch” (somewhere between breakfast and lunch). Or: Motel (short for motor hotel).  Or even: “Chillaxing” (both chill and relaxing).

 

Happy Leap Day from the Portmanteau Motel.
Happy Leap Day from the Portmanteau Motel.

 

As you can see if you click  here,

I’m not averse to using blends every now and then.

Just don’t ask me to call it a “portmanteau.”

Because some words are better left unsaid.

At least that’s … <wait for it> … my best guesstimate.