Waaaaay down the list of news stories today there was this little blurb about Modern Pentathlon dropping its equestrian component after abuse claims about a trainer who allegedly punched a horse in the face at the Tokyo Olympics. You heard me: Punching. A. Horse. Whoa, Nelly.
Modern Pentathlon currently consists of 5 events: running, shooting, fencing, swimming and horseback riding. The rationale for including these particular events – as opposed to, say, events of the Ancient Greek version of Pentathlon (wrestling, running, javelin, discus, and long jump) – comes from the skills required of a “modern” military cavalry officer. From the NY Times story:
Envision a soldier trapped behind enemy lines. He might ride a horse, fight with sword and pistol, run and swim to reach safety. The pentathlon simulates this little tale in an athletic setting.
Oh-Kay then.
I know a young guy who trained for years in the events of Modern Pentathlon. He competed internationally, though he didn’t quite make the U.S. Olympic team. And now he is a medical student at the Mayo Clinic in Scottsdale, AZ. That plus my own past experience set me to thinking: What if the IOC wanted to make Modern Pentathlon into something truly modern. Specifically, what if they made the 5 events all things a med student learns as part of 3rd year clinical rotations? Then, instead of swordplay and shooting – or punching a horse in the face – we could have the following skill set on display come the next Olympics – which will be in Paris, btw – Mon Dieu!
Event 1 – Start an IV on a someone with collapsed veins, as is often the case with dehydrated cancer patients who have notoriously lousy veins. If back-of-the-hand or side-of-the-arm don’t work, move on to the sub-clavian.
Event 2 – Intubate a car crash victim with a punctured lung in the ER. Degree of difficulty here is related to how close they are to flat-lining, also to how many other broken bones there are – besides those broken ribs, I mean.
Event 3 – Once the patient has flat-lined, bring them back by applying cardio-version paddles to their chest and restoring their heartbeat to a normal sinus rhythm. Extra credit for shouting “Clear!” before the resuscitation.
Event 4 – Insert a large-bore needle between the lumbar vertebrae of a patient with suspected meningitis. Withdraw cerebro-spinal fluid and inspect under a microscope. Extra credit if the pathogen turns out to be an obscure parasite like Cryptosporidium rather than garden-variety Meningococcus.
Event 5 – Set a broken bone by applying a plaster cast to a suitably affected limb. Extra credit for signing your name – along with “Get Well Soon!” – in purple Sharpie once the plaster has hardened. Points off for not consulting the X-ray and thereby casting the wrong limb.
********
Think about it, IOC. I’m sure with a little pre-planning, this Modest Proposal for a New & Improved Modern Pentathlon should work out just fine for all concerned – including the TV networks. After all, it’ll provide a seamless lead-in to the season premier of Chicago Med. And when it comes to the Olympics (well, the MODERN Olympics at least), it’s all about the TV ratings. Amirite?
DISCLAIMER:
<No horses were punched in the production of this post.>